Many have been keeping up with our Christ lead journey for over a year now. We’ve tried to open the pages on our closed book of a life to you so you can see what God is doing in our lives! It’s not for our comfort or glory but for HIS GLORY! Have I failed???? Oh yes, miserably on a daily basis! But I’m forgiven & loved anyway! I strive to do better but if we are constantly working to be Christ like, there are always improvements needed! I’m going to reveal some raw & honest shards of our journey thus far that I’ve not spoken about. Shards seem to be an appropriate term to me because they were some of the jagged points I’d wish to bury. These are some low points that I’m finally feeling strong enough to share & I feel they need to be shared with you as you are part of this with us! This is what I’d call “keeping it real”. I just want to portray accuracy & not a life through rose colored glasses. Though my openness I’ll share some of my human faults & struggles & may you see Christ’s love for me even through my faults! I will probably break it into different posts as it may become long.
We have faced so many struggles through this journey but they have drawn us to depend on God in the end! In the fall of 2011, our journeys difficulties began to weigh heavily on me & my faith was “hanging by a thread” so to speak! I was honestly scared & looking for human ways to comfort my soul instead of drawing strength from Him! I loved GiGi, but I was at the point that I didn’t even know if I wanted to be a part of this journey anymore! (Please do not judge me as I’m sharing honestly what was going on at this time in my life.) It wasn’t because I didn’t love GiGi, but I didn’t want to step out into the unknown. I didn’t like the stress (which I was allowing) & the uneasiness this journey was displaying in my life and I only saw the mountain of unknowns & struggles growing as we continued! I wanted to be in control (which by the way just makes a mess of everything!) The journey seemed so long with no sight of the end & no visual answers to how this could actually work! No, I didn’t share all of this at that time. I was ashamed & scared of my human side at work……PLUS I was torn by wanting my GiGi! For about 4 months, I was in quick sand with no purpose at all! The more “I” tried to fix things, the more everything continued to consume me & sink me! I just wanted OUT!
OUT of what? I’m not sure……maybe everything at that time! “I” couldn’t fix anything or find any suitable answers for “me” so I just wanted to walk away. It seemed like the easiest way out! At that time in my life, I felt someone else could probably take better care of GiGi. Someone that “had it all together”! No matter what you saw on my face, I was miserable! I never called the adoption agency to stop the process but it was a low point in life as I struggled with “me”.
With the strength of Phil, I finally realized “I” just couldn’t do it anymore! No “I” could NOT, but with God’s help, “we” could! I never stopped loving GiGi & cried many of tears as I struggled with life! I knew she was my daughter & God had blessed me, but there were too many unanswered questions & too many unknowns for “me” during those months.
It honestly took me until January 2012 until I completely gave myself over! Not my will, wants, & ways be done, but His! I was a Christian but weak, confused, disappointed, & weary! I could not find contentment as I was not turning to Him & we will not ever find true peace until we look above! So January 2012 was a new light so to speak for our journey. I thought things would get easier as I was giving it all to Him & Really giving it to Him this time! As a new year started, I finally said “O.k. God, What do you want me to do? Tell me & I’m yours to use! I trust You & lean on You & not the world!” That was the new start to our journey…………….to be continued