Musician, Magician, Writer, Photographer. I can't the nights that I've dreamed of a life in one of those fields. They all seemed so cool and interesting. This has been the internal struggle. It might sound a bit juvenile but for the greater part of my adult life, I've been trying to find myself. I still live in the "when I grow up, I'm gonna be...." world. It's just part of me.
This journey has taught me a couple of things: First, I've spent way too much time and energy on trying to work things out in my head without working them out with my hands, and Second, most of what I have been working toward is vanity. But I'm slowly learning to take what I've experienced and let God do with it what he sees fit. I could have never imagined that I (my family) would be in the place we now find ourselves. The challenge that lies ahead seems so large that I can't process it unless taken in small steps.
All of the things that I thought would make up my future never really bloomed, but I can now see how they guided me to this point.
It's sorta funny that I feel so young and inexperienced at a moment when I should be wise. By 40, I figured that I would have a small grasp of the "meaning of life". That hasn't happened. God is teaching me gradually. I still find myself asking "God, are you sure?". The answer does not change. He only calls me to move forward. I can't look back. In the rearview are all of the things that I selfishly wanted for myself. This is a journey of faith. God's will is greater than my own.
It would be impossible for me to express the overwhelming feeling of gratitude that I have for everyone following this journey. It is my wish that God touches your life. Just listen and he will lead. It isn't easy, but his call will transcend anything that you could have wanted from this crazy life.
When I woke this morning, I had a song running through my head. Certainly not the first time this has happend, but this time it was just a little different. It was as if God was giving me a mirror into myself and leading me toward China and my daughter. This particular song has never really stood out as a message of faith...until today.
....You see I've always been a dreamer.
Spent my life running around.
And it so hard to change.
Can't seem to settle down.
But the dreams I've seen lately,
keep turning out, and burning out, and turning out the same.
So put me on a highway,
and show me a sign.
And take it to the limit one more time.
Keep us in your prayers. ~Phil
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