The day I'll never forget...

2 years ago today was a day that changed not only my life forever, but our entire family!  The last few weeks, my mind has constantly replayed the events from that day & the weeks leading up to it.  I remember the fear, complete hopelessness & vulnerability I had the 1-2 weeks leading up to September 21, 2010.  I felt something was wrong due to symptoms, but there was nothing I could do to change the inevitable outcome.  A mother’s hopelessness & pain, as you know your baby will probably pass before you is unexplainable!  It was a day of great sorrow & joy! 

Many never think about that day or the baby we lost.  Many may minimize the loss since our child had not lived a day out side of me in this sinful world.  The ones that still remember may never mention our child as they might feel awkward mentioning our baby they never saw or they may not speak of it afraid of making me upset.   

However,

I remember the days I carried our love.

I remember the days of fear I spent of the unknown.

I remember the day I gave birth to our child.

I remember our great loss & hurt from losing our Landon!

Many try to comfort me by saying things as

“This was God’s will.”

or

“Even though it hurts, it’s better off as there was probably something wrong with the baby.”

As I do appreciate people’s words & understand their intentions are not meant to be mean spirited in the least; they were only trying to comfort me.  However, I’ll be honest in saying that none of that makes me feel any better! Please don’t take that to mean I didn’t appreciate your thoughts; I really appreciated that you cared & took the time to say something. 

You see, my brain cannot comprehend how it would be God’s will to take our child.  I will be honest in saying I do not understand why God does not prevent the death of a child.?  I just don’t understand it & do not think I will ever be able to comprehend until I’m in His Kingdom.  Until then, I walk in faith because I know our God is just and loving!

If something was “wrong” with our child, it just didn’t matter to me as Landon was perfect in our eyes!  You can see from the children we have adopted as our own, we don’t find these special needs as being “wrong” but a “special” need – meaning they need special or extra attention or will do things differently.  I know that our children we have adopted (nonetheless ours – just arrived in different route) are not the most severely sick children nor have an extreme or very intricate special need.  Am I being hypocritical or naive saying that it wouldn’t have mattered if something was “wrong” with our baby, but haven’t adopted a child with the most severe/toughest special needs? No!  God has led us to & given us ALL our children!  We did not just spin a wheel & say hummmm, this is the child we want.  Not at all - just like we didn’t spin a wheel for our bio children!  Actually, we’ve spent many hours praying & being prayed for that we would do God’s will!   These are the children our Lord has blessed & entrusted us with!  I don’t know what the future holds & I will just walk in His light!

You see we Loved our Landon before we ever met – just as God Loved us (His children) before we were ever born.  Landon was our child just as much as any of our other children. 

Today I can finally say that I hold a peace that our Landon is with our Maker!  I’m selfish to wish our child was here instead of a place of perfection in all ways!  Do I miss Landon?  Of course and I’d be highly surprised if that ever changed!  Landon is our child & I know we will meet again so that makes the pain bearable! 

This maybe the only pictures I have of our angel 

 but there is not a day that goes by that I don’t miss our baby!  And  Landon will live in my heart until we unite again!

In our bedroom, you can find this at one side of our bed:

Framed are priceless words that Phil wrote about his Dad when he left this earth & were read at his funeral.  The cross was a special gift we were given at the funeral home.

On the other side of our bed, you will see this:

Even after 2 years, I haven’t had the heart to frame our only pictures as I’d planned.  One day I think I will find that strength.

These are a sort of memorial of the ones that have gone before us!  They are so close in our hearts! I feel both of them so near many days in things I see & do, something that happens or is said.  There are signs that are extremely special to me! I know they may not live on this earth but they are still with us!

BW I feel like I live with you every day through my son - your first grandchild!  Those that knew you know how he is like you in so many ways – including not being able to stay on his feet even at the most inappropriate times! Yeah, we chuckle frequently about you falling while carrying the casket to the grave side along with many many precious memories.  Oh the funny & fond celebrations we hold of you!  I wish I had all the stories written down that have been told to us over the years.  I’d say you were one of a kind, but then I have one too much like you to be able to say that!  You would love all your grandchildren, but you & Colt would really relate.  I know it would have tickled you!

Landon, Mommy Loves you very very much!  I do not believe I will ever understand why you did not stay, but I have to not dwell on that today!  Instead, I concentrate on the time I had with you 

& all the joy you brought me in your short stint. I focus on the fact we will be together again!  I miss you every single day, but I’m glad you did not have to deal with this world & you've only known complete happiness!  I thank God for the time He gave you to me & I cherish those moments! I love it when I get special signs of you being close and I always smile! I wish I could hug & kiss you today……..until we meet again, you will forever live in me!  Landon, you may not be walking on this earth but never forgotten...........Love you Forever, my angel!  I will do my best to make today a celebration of your life & not focus on my selfishness of wishing you were here!